Monday, November 27, 2006

The Da Vuinci Code

It has been wildly and grossly reported on CNN (Celoteh-tak-tentu-pasal News Network) that there will be a GRAND, HUGE-ASS, GLITTERATI birthday party of EPIC PROPORTIONS happening in the eastern part of Singapore this coming December, akin to the recent weddings of TomKat, Datoks SK (no relations to chain of jewelry shops or almost-recalled beauty product endorsed by famous oriental star), and other small-time celebrities-tak-jadi of the Suria variety.

The Diaznadnaha investigating crew decided to dig deep into the heartlands to discover the awful truth and harsh reality behind this almost-scandalous piece of news, originated by an educator-by-day, amateur-roving-reporter-with-bad-spelling-by-night, Mie Bte Suv.

This is what they found...

1) Talks are in session with well-loved chef, Yua (not, as erroneously reported, some other chef called Naa, whoever that is), on the design of an appropriate confectionary for the celebration of one-year-old, Iqan, which does NOT include extreme amounts of sugared icing on little cakes placed in little cups, otherwise known as Cupcakes. (It is agreed upon, too, that the public should be warned of the proliferation of such sweet offerings to small children, as well as adults, as they may cause bad teeth and bad karma. Also, if you are being charged $400 for a bunch of them, you're being s-w-i-n-d-l-e-d, honey. But that's another newsworthy report altogether.)

2) A group of Actual Friends of the said birthday child's parents have responded positively to the modest celebration taking place. They include a mix of relatives, as well as non-internet-savvy and internet-friendly people (or iFriends). Some of these iFriends are Real People, who have, over time, established Real Connections with one another in the Real World. These iFriends are a few amongst those who played a part in the mother's journey during her fiercely-protected pregnancy, as well as her journey through a year of motherhood, by dispensing good wishes, advise, listening ears, and lots of love. They have met, cuddled, kissed, hugged, and shared in the joy of the growth and development of Iqan, from the moment he was born into the world. (They are also known not to launch attacks on the parents, virtually or otherwise.) The guest list is kept to a minimum and is currently undisclosed. However, it is known that Ms Mie "Know-it-all" Suv, is unfortunately not invited as she is, as she declares, merely a "casual observer". Not that she cares, of course, as she herself will probably throw a first party for her own cute and adorable child a few months down the road, with no invited guests of course.

3) The boy's much-adored aunt, ifzahurnah, will be presenting Iqan with a drum set. (This part of the reporting is, amazingly, correct.)

4) No expensive presents are sought after or expected from gorgeous lady in uniform, Naihar - only her precious presence is. That, money can't buy. As it stands, ten out of eleven minutes are still owed to Naihar, for free manhandling (toddlerhandling?) of Iqan. Flight schedules are a bitch. Or so we heard.

5) Iqan's father will not be showering him with gifts. This includes ridiculous gadgets, like iSomething or iOther. (On a side note, Apple interns should be fired for not knowing their products.) The father will be showering lots of lurve on the child, by arranging the food for the day, and at the same time, contributing to the community. (This, too, a newsworthy report for another day.)

6) The allegedly grandiose party will be held in an undisclosed open venue which costs the hosts a grand total of $60/-, including electricity and running water (and a whole lotta running-around space). The parents of the boy Iqan are, as you can tell, hopeless cheapskates, which was also the reason why they did not hold their wedding at a nice hotel. Then again, as they say, "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Right, Naihar? har har! Oh, it is also noted that no FDWs will be made to clean up. Only Banglas, for which they will be paid through the Town Council.

7) Babies will be, without a doubt, the highlight of the day. Babies, be they twins, triplets, or sextuplets, are lovely creatures, worthy of being celebrated for their mere creation and existence. All babies will be put in a circus-like ring to be duly admired on that day. Those who do not coo accordingly for an equal amount of time at each and every baby present will have their heads and reproductive systems chopped off.

8) Due to the impending bonus and generally generous moods, Iqan will likely enjoy his loot. The child's parents have little control over this, except to answer to those who've made queries, that gifts, if any, should not endorse violence, be too bulky, or non-age-appropriate. Guests should not feel burdened - we have exclusive news that this will be the only time in many years to come where his age will be celebrated, the next one being 16. (Though by then, he'll be too teenager to even want one by his parents, ho ho.)

9) The abovementioned bonus, plus the mother's shrewd thriftiness, will go to paying for her only child's first birthday. Part of her bonus will also be disbursed to all parties involved in the caregiving of Iqan, such as the grandmother and the helper. (Must declare publicly hor? Like public taxpayers' monies liddat.)

This is a post done tongue-in-cheek style. So let's all learn to laugh at ourselves. And if you can decipher all the anagrams of the names... you should REALLY get a life.


# posted by izadnhana at 9:18 PM
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30 august 2003


izad&hana . born nineteen seventy seven . soulmates after seven years apart . radiohead + smashingpumpkins + londonsuede . through-thick-and-thin . ben&jerrys + gadgets + dvds . culmination of <3 in one aniq izhan .